cringeworthy corporate buzzwords

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Onboarding, anyone?

Proper Product Placement, and Customer Will Call?

I humbly submit successories.

A brilliant and affecting analysis, thtownse.

I love this list. All cringing aside, I think that coporate-speak is an interesting linguistic phenomenon. The way I see it, it reflects the all-encompassing desire for total efficiency in the corporate world. People see themselves as important contributors to an idealized state of a pure synthesis of razor-sharp accuracy and all-dominating competitiveness. They want to be this because as we all know, the dark side of the corporate ideal is that it is basically cold at heart - anyone who does not perform is ousted without fanfare and their name is not mentioned again. So the other driving force, and ultimately the strongest, is fear for one's own well-being.

In language, these things play out as the simultaneous desire to not appear abnormal and to achieve efficiency in words - to express complex ideas quickly in a way that others will immediately understand so as to eliminate the need for time-wasters like explanation. Those of us who appreciate the intricasies of language know that metaphor is a powerful way to 'leverage' a complex thought into a neat efficient package. So it is no wonder that the pressure-cooker world of Corporatia makes pervasive use of these memes.

To those of you lucky enough to not be embroiled in it, and to us who can see the humor from the inside, it is indeed quite funny and absurd. But take pity, you fortunate ones, for we who toil in cubes, who synergize in every one of multitudinous meetings, who smile and look the othe way as our lesser-endowed colleagues are winnowed from our midst by the bloody scythe - it is our lot to continue to think outside the box while all the while making thicker, higher, and more impenetrable its cold walls.

Let's take this offline

i cringed, gangerh. i can't believe those were actually used in a letter.

Just reading a letter from a company to us about 2008 Update including these words -
brand-split,
time-poor.
Not too sure whether they are cringeworthy enough.

Within same context although not a buzzword "TLA" = three letter acroynms

lift statement
elevator pitch

What an annoying list! ;-)
I think I should be able to shoe-horn it into my schedule somewhere.
Who else thinks 'cringeworthy' is onomatopoeic?

What about cluetrain? Or signage? (*shivers*)

This is such a wonderful list, and it is truly cringeworthy. Why, right now I'm huddled in a fetal position, rocking back and forth...

Somewhat similar to lessons learned is "learnings"....as in..what are the learnings from this project? (which just lost huge sums of money)...

We should focus on your "work life balance", typically followed by three new projects and two messes that you've been asked to clean up....

Let's do some back of the envelope calculations....

Let's "rif 'em"..because it'll take too long to work with HR and fire him.....(RIF = reduction in force)

integrated solution
out of the loop
outsourcing

networking
hit the ground running

how about having a
'light bulb moment'
?

counter-factual is classic

Can do! or Can-do attitude

also "cubicle world"

also "ducks in a row" as in "I'll get my ducks in a row and get back with you later."

crunch some numbers

Great list! Added to my favourites. What about "downsizing"?

I think 80/20 is the Pareto Principle, yes.
Nowadays, there's the long tail to think about. And maybe the occasional black swan.

80/20 - isn't that the Pareter Principle?
A great list for the unincorporated (like me) to sneer and guffaw at.
How about 'counter-factual'. The best use I heard of this was "What I'm hearing here is actually counter-factual". Meaning,of course,"You're a liar".

Oooh, this week I heard; Performant and Pre-planning.

how is net net used, john? i don't think i've ever heard it.

How about "net net" (or maybe it's net-net? or net/net?)

How about restructuring and "smooth transition".

We need to "escalate" this to the next level.

"80/20" - everybody says it, but I don't think anybody really knows what it means. From what I've read, it means having 80% of the functionality when the project is complete. However, most people use it for 80% accuracy, which is very different. And, who wants to be around when the 20% lack of accuracy impacts the CEO's mistress.

OK, one more (for now): "Customer Focus"

How about "opportunity?" It's what a manager says you have when they are giving you a task nobody wants to do.

We like to take a "SWAG." It is a Wild Ass Guess with a "Scientific" pretext.

Have you ever covered a project from "wing to wing?" And, then "repair in the air?" We don't have time to land this baby ya' know.

Prioritize, prioritize, prioritize.

Our Department Heads spent the entire morning visioning.

parameter

I bet if I work smarter, not harder, I could come up with a cringeworthy phrase...

I'll bet a little part of you died inside, sionnach.

nice, sionnach.

Well, this is one I didn't come across all that often, but the first time I encountered it, in a consultant's report, I had to go lie down for the rest of the afternoon to recover:

debottlenecking

Thank you, reesetee. *dabs eyes* This is why I eschew the corporate world with a firm hand and a big stick.

Equestrian quartet. Brilliant. Favorited.

i'm glad we have your buy-in

At this point I have to favorite this list for both the list and the commentary. How does it get so bad?

Sionnach, I think I could stand working with you. ;-)

*handing trivet some cotton gauze to dab her eyes*

I found this on my hard drive, from an April 1st quiz I gave to my employees a few years ago:


What is your explanation for:

the bizarre proliferation of the letters ‘X’ and ‘Z’ in drug names during the past decade? Estimate the annual incidence of adverse events attributable to the resulting confusion in writing and filling prescriptions.

the occurrence of which of the following morphemes in a drug name wants to make you rush right out there and get some?

lox lex lux lix lax lyx bud
loxxx lyxxx laaxx voxxx lyzzz luxylyx


Management potential

Write a single, syntactically correct, sentence of no more than 15 words, which uses each of the following words or phrases (extra points for any noun used as a verb). Note that the requirement is only that the syntax should be correct, not that it be meaningful

impact leverage bandwidth
parameter resources
infrastructure information
synergistic workflow



Strategic vision

Significant eschatological implications have been forecast in connection with the much-anticipated ‘second coming”, known to some as the “Rapture”. There’s the vexing “blood-dimmed tide” (accompanied by the sudden onset of avian deafness and generalized deterioration in animal posture in key regions of the middle east) foretold by that ol’ mystic Yeats. Or everybody’s favorite equestrian quartet, sketched so vividly in the account of John of Patnos. Not to mention the highway chaos that we can expect from the pileup of cars whose drivers are sucked up during the Rapture. Clearly, challenging times lie ahead.

Estimate the statistical problems that might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment that might be used to test your theory (at the 5% significance level)

aarrrggh! low-hanging fruit is the worst and i hear it all the time!

"Paint the picture" is is used quite often where I work.

My eyes are bleeding.

Oh sionnach, that pained me. Pained me to the core. Here I am, at home in my comfy chair, and reading your list made me see my gray cubicle walls closing in around me, feel the fluorescent lights' effect on my sallow flesh, hear the hum of the copier just steps away, and the incessant chirruping of several phones.

How about taking a WAG (Wild-Assed Guess)?

Thank you, tagyoureit. That's what I was thinking when I saw bandwidth here.

Eesh.

Some steps in the evolution of a "high performance team":

mandatory offsite for teambuilding exercises
brainstorming (which would include both thinking outside the box, and maybe a little blue-skying)
developing a mission statement and/or vision statement
setting a BHAG (big hairy-assed goal)
obtaining "stakeholder" "buyin"
acting as "change agents" ("paradigm shift" optional)
working "smarter not harder" (having identified the core competencies and picked the low-hanging fruit, leveraging synergies to take things to the next level)
blamestorming
lessons learned

Yes, yes, yes! I hate corporate culture. Hate it! A lot of these involve the (completely unnecessary IMO) verbing of nouns. Here are some more I've heard:

level of comfort/comfort level
hot-button
implementation
all-hands
solution
processes
integration
speed to market
exposure items
circle around
off-line
tag team

Oooh. Okay. I cringed.

i agree, until someone uses it to describe their workload: "i have so many presentations this week, i just don't have the bandwidth for this project right now." *that's* when it's cringeworthy.

As an official Web Guy, I have to say that bandwidth is a perfectly legitimate technical term. I do agree with the other two you suggested, though.

How about "team player", "bandwidth", "best of brand"?

This is so painful. *wincing*

yes. see what happens when we all leverage our synergies?

Here's one I really hate: "going forward," as in "We'll have to develop a new strategy going forward."

Does "best practices" fit? And there's the much-reviled "outside the box."

oooh good ones. glad to have you onboard.

How about offshoring, communicate out, core competency, and ramp up?

This is a great list. I am an artist and teacher, and sometimes I swear my partner speaks a completely different language. She works in Corporate America (as she calls it).